New York, One Gay Date At A Time

Lots of Learning

I've been trying to break some old patterns for a really long time. Its strange how having to scramble makes one most aware of themselves and their own mission in life. I know these are grand thoughts. Yet everyone’s encouraged me to stand up. I’m trying to find a way to recap my Celexa quitting experience because I’ve never had such a body and emotional hijacking before. Where a drug has totally taken over my life, if I had known the drug itself was so so powerful I probably wouldn’t have gone on it in the first place.

I remember having to fill my first prescription. A whilley gray haired pharmacist leaned over the counter, whispering that he had samples he could give me to tide me till the next day. I thought it quite odd that this man sounded like a drug pusher. Looking back I understand that he was just trying to care for me.

I don’t quite know how to explain what happened. I’m still trying to put into words how such a mind numbing traumatic experience could be so life affirming – how having chemical induced thoughts of suicide can be liberating, how the paradox of being free is synonymous with just being trapped.

Ultimately I understand why people stay on anti-depressants for a while. It’s damn hard to get off them. For me, I think it jump started my system. It did much good for me. Though I’m not planning on doing it again.

I sort of wanted to write a post about how to survive Celexa Withdraw because there isn’t much info on the web about it. Ultimately it did pass, the experience like an odd little firestorm dream. It was forgotten a day after, maybe my mind quickly shoveled the thoughts and memories away. I won’t know for a good long time.

All I can say is the words of many that have emailed me. “This too will pass” and it has. My home environment was very important to me. My friends as well, because each moment felt like it would last forever.

The most amazing thing; is that my edge is back. I’ve been putting off my real writing for a while. The more Celxa I took the less I had of a spark. So everything is connected and now that I’ve regained myself and am stronger then ever, I look forward to the future and being the artist I know I can be.

Then I Awoke

At 6:32 PM yesterday. I started smiling. It was a strange experience. One that happened almost instantly as the last of the drug lost its hold on me – the last few moments of a dying Afrêet. I was on the subway and started mouthing the lyrics of the Madonna song on my iPod; then I did a little dance and was happy again. The haze that I've been swimming in this past month, lifted.

I was formally introduced at a party last night as “perky” I haven’t been introduced by that word in ages. So yes I’ve regained myself. Even though the day outside is gray. I’m not even inclined to notice. 

I’m going to take it easy today. It’s my body, it still aches from its ordeal. I also have some fun post ideas, finally. So this blog will be back to normal in no time. Yet I’m including a new section because I think it’s important to keep stuff on-line and noticeable. I'm also going to do a recap of the experience, one that I hope never ever to repeat. It was quite strange, when all is said and done I've found it truly interesting. There isn’t nearly enough information out there on anti-depressant withdrawal.

Even though I'm dirt poor all is right with the world.

 

1 to 3 more days left

So yeah, I hate Celexa, when this is all done, I'm actually going to write a post on the entire experience. It's like all the good it's done for me has now been erased.

I'm so broke and the last few days of this drug seem to be the worst. Yesterday I had an anxiety attack buying potatoes. Buying potatoes. Who has an anxiety attack over buying potatoes and chives? I made really great mash potatoes later though. Yet it was strange being indecisive over which potatoes to buy.

PS. South Park rocks. :-)

2 to 4 more days left

So I've just decided that there is nothing I can do but accept the fact that I'm going to have this drug in my system just a little while longer. I'm looking forward to getting my life back. It's better today yet I've realized that I shouldn't step out of the house for the next few days. I just can't, I have to hide.

Yesterday, I looking back on it, it was quite funny. My best friend has been there with me. I was invited to a little networking event, before entering I was hit by a bought of indecision which lead to a moment of spontaneous crying. For everyone that knows, in real life, that action would be very strange, I'm know to have strong control over my emotions and needless to say, not cry randomly.

I really really really hate the guy that invented Celexa right now. it's like the drug company doesn't want me off the drug. I feel like it's hijacked my body and emotions.

Celexa Withdrawal

At this point, I wanted to put another post into the virtual world. To find out more about how Celexa affects someone. I've been withdrawing for a good week now. I've stopped taking the drug for good, a few days ago. Apparently it'll leave my system 6-8 days after the last pill is taken.

So my symptoms on day 5, are an overwhelming sense that I can't actually move. I have gone from having energy to having none. I'm looking at the dishes in the sink and they seem to only mock me. Damn those laughing dishes.

I swear, I hate the fact that my blog is now documenting my poverty and Celexa withdrawal. Normally, because of the way I update my blog. I write it a full one or two weeks in advance of the posts actual publication. I don't ever have to worry about not having fun stuff to upload. Now both my Celexa withdrawal and my poverty are tied. I'm starting to want to take out a contract on the guy (or girl) that actually invented Celexa, the scary thing is, that it's supposed to be more mellow then other SSRI. (any hit men out there please contact Forest Labs)

At this point I think I've experienced all the withdrawal symptoms, from suicidal thoughts to brain shock (I created static shock effectively downing the battery of my iPod) now I can't move from my bed to the couch. Yes I can't move, it's taking all my energy to simply lift my arm, let alone type this post. At least now that I have my arms positioned in a comfy spot. My fingers can glide across the keyboard, yet I'm very conscious of it. It's like I'm in a dream watching my body move.

It's strange this haze, which is now my life. I often forget how quickly life changes and how quickly life moves forward. I know this too will pass. I think the biggest thing for me to understand is that not all things will happen on my time, yet when things must happen. It's truly a odd thought.

I want my life back.

If you have your own experience with getting off of an anti-depressants or SSRI's please include a comment down below, I'd love to know what your experience was.

UPDATE: It’s been about a year since I’ve gotten off this drug, much has changed and it does get better, I’ve included a short story and some poems, about my withdrawal in a poetry book that will be coming out, called Side Step Me. I hope you take the time to check it out and truly do take away the fact, that there’s life after SSRIs.

Sigh,

I wanted to write something really great today. Yet I've been scrambling and trying to get some stuff done. I'm basically trying to get too much done at the exact same time. I'm a bit overwhelmed and trying to get everything done at the exact same time. I think I'm shutting down emotionally.

A friend of mine assures me that a large part of how I'm feeling has to do with my Celexa withdrawal. I'm looking forward to being somewhat normal again.

I really want to get back to writing the fun posts that have made this blog so fun. Yet I don't think I'll be able to for just a little while longer.

Can't send Gmail

Thank you for your great response to my "The Modern restaurant" post. The out-pour has really helped me realize that this is just a very short term moment in my life. Things do happen and well I'll get over it. It's a minor annoying bump in the road, after all, it's the injustice that got to me. Now it seems a bit more right that more people know how unfair this restaurant is to it's employees and how just they truly claim to be.

Now, due to the response I've gotten and the amount of emails I've sent, I seem to have lost my ability to send emails (yet I can receive). I normally respond to each and every email that I receive, good-bad-or-indifferent. Now I just can't. So I will in a few days.

Thank you for reading and thank you for the love, it has truly cheered me up. Hugs to everyone. This too will pass as many of you have stated and I now agree.

The Land of Disposible People

It's official. I received the letter stating that I will not be getting unemployment anymore. I have been in damage control mode. The events of this past week have completely blindsided me. I feel violated yet again by an industry that I have devoted so much energy and time to. I know I'm not alone in my feelings, after all this is the society that we have created. We have created a land where people are disposable, I do not want to preach. I just think that humans caring for humans is an arcane thought. My generation is the generation of self-satisfied-young-ones who know simply, that they must watch their backs to survive and thrive.

Right now I sit here typing with much vodka in my system. I truly know that this moment in my life will lead to improvement in my craft. I chose to write with social themes in mind because we are truly a young society. To see who we are, that is my challenge. I usually don't write with my own voice, I have mastered the art of creating others to speak for me (in the literary sense). Now I am truly saddened, I write with the voice of a man, one hoping for the best, one that has long ago given up on truly believing in people. For these are the times of change, these are the times when men rise up. These are the times when we fall complacent. When one man gives up on democracy and thriving, we all loose a little. Such is society and we are all connected.

The managers that often hound me, the guests that have blamed me for their lives. I have peered into their lives before. I have seen them. I know them to be lonely and normally quiet.

I thought for a while. That I should bring suit against this company in small claims court, it would fit my mission statement as an artist. Yet this bold move would take much energy. To participate in our democracy in such a way would take the luxury of time. The Modern has clearly violated the law. Employees should get a break to at least eat. I don't have the means to stand up. For this I should be blamed. They have broken the law and violated Section 162 of the labor law stating that employees are required to have a break. Funny that they disobey the law each day, yet I have a challenge living and living my dream.

I have yet again been done in by a guest and the ever changing political structure of a restaurant. She wanted something for free and waiters are truly easy to blame, waiters can't talk back. People don't even know waiters are really around. People that have knowledge and true power, they do. They know that waiters are people. The challenge becomes when people with no power and no means to express their own existence, sit at a table, eat at a restaurant and chose to have miserable lives, then they become angered and perplexed and find things to blame. I have looked into their lives and they sit at home alone and mostly upset with the unfair world.

I wonder what the future of our young world is, yes we have created laws that protect people, more and more companies seem to work within these laws to control and saturate our American lives.

I told the unemployment case worker the following, apparently the representative that spoke to her from The Modern was far more eloquent then I was.

"On Wednesday February 1st at the end of my shift I was informed by Graceanne “I don’t want to waste your time. You do not fit in, your managers have been waiting for you to shape up and you just haven’t. We’re letting you go.” During the shift I made the honest mistake of ringing in a Veal Terrine when the guest wanted an Upside Down Tuna Tarte, also a very irate and bitter Restaurant Week guest was very upset that she found onions in her eggplant caviar. She was also distraught over the lack of vegetarian options on the Restaurant Week menu; after she had gleefully ordered and devoured the Sweet Georgia Shrimp. She succeeded in getting the dining room manager who handled the complaint to remove her restaurant week menu from the check. This had been the guest’s goal. I had overheard the conversation, yet the manger handling the complaint wouldn’t listen to me."

I have decided to share with you, my reader, the letters sent. You can make up your own mind.

Letter sent to Danny Meyer.
Download unemployment.termination.pdf

The letter I've received informing me of the cancellation of my unemployment.
Download unemployment.termination.pdf

I will try and appear before a judge to appeal this decision, yet in the mean time I must tend to such mundane matters as trying to pay my bills and eating, while trying to feel less vulnerable.

Hopefully I'll have this blog and my life soon in order maybe soon my upside down life will turn right again. Maybe, we will take care of each other and companies will not believe that people are disposable. I know it's wishful thinking.

Thank you for reading

AG

[Previous post. Trying to make Lemonade]
[The picture is of Robert Oppenheimer]
[Another has the same experience I've had]