New York, One Gay Date At A Time

Should I Stay, Or Should I go Now

Dear Skye,

I've been in a gay monogamous relationship for almost a year now with a seemingly great guy. He's attractive, funny, charming and bright, but he loves to flirt and has a wandering eye. He also seems to keep his social life separate from our relationship, which arouses suspicion in me. He says he loves me and is totally devoted to me but his behavior suggests otherwise.

We live in San Francisco, the gay capital of the world, in one of the gayest neighborhoods in the city. When we're out walking around, he doesn't hold my hand and is constantly making eye contact with other men. I've brought this to his attention before by accusing him of 'cruising' other men, only to be met with a defensive response and a HUGE fight. So I've learned not to blame him so much, but focus on my feelings instead. He knows how much it bothers me but he continues to do it anyway.

The other really annoying aspect of our relationship is that I don't know many of his gay friends, even though he has many. It seems as if he's deliberately separating our relationship from his social life, like there's a part of him he doesn't want me to know.

Now I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and paranoid but my insecurities are eating me up inside. I know I have some self-esteem issues but isn't a relationship supposed to help you get through them, not enhance them?

I am thinking of leaving him because I am feeling worse about myself and angry toward him, but I'm afraid of being lonely. What if I’m wrong? What if he is truly devoted to me, and I’m too focused on the negative? But then again, I feel like I'm not getting genuine nurturing and affirmation that come with a loving relationship...what should I do?

Thanks,
Lost

Dear Lost,

You’re not in a relationship, you’re just waiting. He’s clearly hurting you. A relationship is about unity, not about feeling insecure. When your “boyfriend” doesn’t acknowledge you, I bet that hurts. I know it’s hurt me in the past.

When you tell me that you’ve tried talking to him and you have a fight. Well dear, he’s just avoiding the topic and trying to intimidate. You should feel confident, to ask for what you need because that’s the only way you can have a successful relationship.

Yes you’re right; relationships – ideally should balance and quell your insecurities. Finding the right guy to do that, well that’s tough, that’s what my blog’s about. I really want to find true love and to understand what the definitions are in the gay community. It’s a tough balance. A lot of gay boys don’t have relationship skills; there are lots of reasons for that. Yet it’s important to learn them. When dating it’s also important to quickly get over guys that don’t listen.

You mention that he’s a great guy in a lot of ways. I’m sure he is. There must have been lots of reasons you’ve stayed together for so long. Now I get the feeling, you want your lives to become more integrated. You seem to want more then he’s willing to give. That’s fine, after dating someone for a while, you should be hanging out with their friends on a regular basis. What raises my eyebrows and raises my concern is the fact that you can’t communicate your needs. That’s vital to a working relationship and I don’t think he feels comfortable communication his needs either.

Bring this to his attention, that’s what u must do. If this leads to a fight; so be it. It’s important to stress how you feel. Yet don’t take it personally, I know it’s hard. His actions are hurting you, he needs to know it. If he’s not willing to acknowledge your feelings, don’t let him get away with it. For your own growth, I suggest, talking to him as a friend, maybe asking if he wants to take the relationship more freely, ask him for permission to date other people.

If you can’t get your needs for affection met in this relationship and you can’t work it out. I think it’s important to move on.

I strongly urge that you get past the yelling though and understand your needs, don’t let him stonewall you. Value yourself as a person, so you can make relationship choices that are good for you, as well as your partner.

Hugs
Skye

Ask Skye: Should I continue Dating?

This question comes from a chap in London.

Dear Skye,

I have to pry, but have you really given up on dating? I'm staring down the barrel of the possibility I might have to start doing this for the first time in 11 years... should I give up now?!

Its not that I want to stop, its that I don't want to start. My bf suddenly revealed he isn't sure he loves me any more and basically my whole world... well it hasn't fallen apart, its like something out of the Matrix, its exploded and then stopped. And its all hanging there in pieces as he tries to work out what he wants. So at the moment my fear of dating is based on the fact that if I start to go there it will be because my relationship has failed. I have to say though, so glad I'm not in NY! I look good for the UK, but when I've been in NY, well I'm not fit to cop off with the guys left over at the end of the night! Boy you chaps have high standards!

Thanks
UGH.

Dear Ugh,

I sense your frustration. I haven't given up dating or men. I'm just starting to realize what works for me. I'm growing and understanding what works best for me in life. I would like a partner, but that takes time. I think a partner will happen when I least expect it.

You have to both figure out if you want to continue this relationship. If after the hurtful words have been spoken you can still continue and want to continue. Eleven years is a long time. I encourage anyone who has had a relationship for that long, to find out what they have in common and build on that. I know it hurts. For you this can also be a new beginning. It takes two to have a relationship. You can't force it on someone; please don't try.

Right now you're looking to re-enter the dating world. I'm sorry to hear that the relationship isn't working. First you have to asses who you are, as a single man again. You can't tie your self worth to the boyfriend you once had. Taking baby steps is important. Going on a few dates. That's a start. I suggest you go out with friends.

When you meet someone. Don't be afraid to say, "You're a great guy, but I'm just not ready to date, yet." First you have to heal. Recover from your own wounds and find out, that you love yourself once again. That's what's really important, to love yourself again. It hurts to be dumped. Let yourself heal, but don't take to long. The last step is once again, allowing yourself to have a relationship.

Dating is about getting to know someone. Take those steps. Go have fun. Don't put too much stock in it. Don't put pressure on the situation. Have fun. When the time comes, and you meet a guy. Don't be afraid to start a relationship, don't be afraid that you'll get hurt again. Because that will definitely hold you back.

Yeah, New York boys really do have high standards. I think it has to do with the vast availability of available men, concentrated in a square block radius. I think it's  our Chelsae syndrome.  Then again, I'm in love with New York, I can't see my self living anywhere else. I'm sure you feel the same about London.

Yours,
Skye

Ask Skye, about Attraction

Dear Skye,

I’ve been going out with this guy for close to two weeks now. I really do enjoy his company, he’s talented, smart and just an all-around nice guy, you know the one you don’t find often but you’d take him home to mom. The only problem is – he’s not that cute. He’s cute but could stand to loose a few pounds. What do I do? Do I date him and work out with him? You know take him to the gym with me so that he would loose weight or do I drop him and find another?

What would you do? I know attraction is important but brains, knowledge and just being nice guy is important. There are so many hot boys out there but they’re not boyfriend material. My friends tell me appearance can change over time – I agree. Would you date someone who wasn’t that cute and help him change? It’d be great to help him. I like him a lot, he’s wonderful. I just don’t know what I’m meant to do.

Thanks,
Confused

 

Dear Confused,

It seems like you already know a huge part of the equation. “There are so many hot boys out there but they’re not boyfriend material.” You’re right. Loyalty, truth, shared interests – that’s what makes a real relationship happen and makes it stay strong over the long term. 

I’m assuming that you’re sexually attracted to the fellow. Unfortunately, the part of the brain that is responsible for sexual attraction is really small. It’s buried so deep in the brain and our ancient reptilian brain; that it can’t change. Yes it’s been compared to a reptile’s brain, because that’s how ancient it is, it hasn’t changed for a really long time. It’s also not connected to your higher brain function. Hence all the bad decisions we make when we’re in love and have a boner. That said – if you are sexually attracted to him and can have sex. I wouldn’t worry about, what other people think. Because you’re the one in the relationship: not other people. If you can’t have sex and don’t want to. I suggest you fess up and just stay friends. Because if he can’t satisfy you in bed; you will cheat. Monogamy needs to be part of the relationship.

You can’t change someone, don’t try. Yes you can go work out together but is that really his goal. He might have a body type that can’t change no matter how much he works out. This can’t be your relationship goal. 

Having a lasting relationship, that’s what matters, not the physical concerns, if he can be there for you. If you feel comfortable talking to him and like being with him. If he turns you on and you can work on the sex, and I think you can. Then that’s what you should look for. You’ve gotten past the most important part, seeing each other regularly. Now you’re asking if you should continue seeing each other. Well I say; take the risk.

Yours truly,
Skye

How to, Online Date

It’s another tool in the dating game. It’s something to be cautious about and take with a grain of fun. It’s a medium of perfect head shots and perfect men. Not much different from a bar at times. The difference being, in the online world you can ask about cock size right away.  There are certain rules in the online dating game that need to be abided by.

 

It’s a good way to break out of shyness. I recommend it to people just coming out of the closet and people that want to get back into the habit of dating. Rejection is easier to deal with because you don’t have to be in the same bar with them for an extended period of time. Or use the ubiquitous “I’m going to walk over there now.”

Some guidelines: 

• Always get a picture, the headless picture and airbrushed headshot, that’s not what I mean. Get a real picture or you might be in for a scare

• Don’t treat it like a trick, treat it like a date. 

• Meet in a public place, coffee is great. Anyway having coffee is always a good first date anyway.

• Its okay to leave; if you feel uncomfortable, in anyway.

It’s also important to have fun and smile. Not take it too seriously; after all you don’t know how the guy will react, if he’ll have odd twitches or a gimp leg. Ultimately get to know the person, that’s what dating is about.

Ask Skye: TV shows

Dear Skye,

Do shows like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy make a difference? How do you feel about shows like that? Are they exploitive or supportive? 

Sincerely,
Curious College Student.

 

Dear Curious,

I got an email from a college girl in Kentucky. She wanted help with a paper and wanted to know more about gay people. Yes I felt like a High School bio project – again. Or is it a fish bowl, I’m the fish swimming naked. In either case, the question has me pondering gay role models. Yes Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Will & Grace and all the other shows have flung us gay boys and girls, into the main stream. Yet no actual gay role model has been created.

I feel like we’re fun, we’re the icing on the cake. There isn’t anyone actually having a relationship, an actual significant gay partnership. I’ve seen it on HERE (gay role model), the pay-per-view gay programming on Time Warner In Demand, it was a British show. Yet that can hardly be called main stream. 

I do think that the shows are supportive. I also think that the sitcoms and dramas can help turn us into real people; I can see someone in a red state, pondering, “check out those fun gay boys”. I’m really excited that Bree’s son kissed the new Solis gardener. I wonder how that will hit the Bible Belt. Homer also married gay people, Lesbians were mentioned on Gilmore Girls, it was a very gay week on TV.

Ultimately I think it’s more important for us as gay people to have a role model. Because unfortunately part of being gay is learning to accept a new style of relationship, one with very few socially bound rules. One that truly takes the adage; “a relationship is defined by the people in it” to new heights. I would like to see us have a valid relationship to mirror. I know this is shallow. Yet it is what I believe will make us more accepting to our own long term relationships. 

Yours,
Skye

Ask Skye: The meaningfull relationships

Dear Skye,

I'm always wondering how it is that gay men meet each other. I mean, I know that it's easy to come in contact with gay guys but how do you MEET them? When I go to the bars or clubs I talk to someone or I'll be scoped out and cruised by some but I want something more meaningful. Okay. It's not that I'm looking to get married or anything. It's just, well I don't really have many gay friends. I realize this all the time. I have a lot of gay "acquaintances". which is quite different. I have a lot of gay people in my life to go to the bars with or gossip on-line with, but when it comes down to wanting to talk about personal things or maybe just spending a quite Sunday afternoon strolling though Central Park - they're not there.

This also translates to the dating scene. It's like, everyone is "looking" for something. You're either going to be tonight's lay or tomorrow's LTR. It's not that I want neither, but I'm looking to MEET people. I just wanna get out there and see what this big gay world has to offer (okay, that was a bit too cliche, huh?) with no expectations of sex or LTR's or any other type of superficiality. How do you navigate towards this? Should I stop going to bars? Should I stop chatting on-line? Or am I just expecting too much?

Yours Truly,
Desperately Seeking Non-Confusion

Dear Desperately,

How do I develop meaningful relationships? That's what you're asking. That takes time, there's really no easy way. There are lots of ways to meet people and yes everyone has their agenda, some want a trick, others a boyfriend. All of us are looking for something specific, in this city of many choices. Earlier this week I described deal breakers and such inane things as, "not dating a person because they drink from a straw." Please. Its simple people are screwed up and you can't take it personally. I've found that the hottest men and i mean hot enough that you get burned simply when you touch them, truly do burn, because they are often the most insecure.

Even those gay boys that seem insanely popular, well they don't even have that many real Friends. A real Friend takes a long time to develop, years actually. It takes lots of work and time and forgiveness, because we are all human, simply put, the TV is lying to you. The perfect people culture doesn't exist. I know it's not a good thing to say. But you are alone. Meeting people is great, just don't put so much pressure on yourself, have fun, take it easy. yet be open, also if someone asks for help, be the first to give it. Forgiveness goes a long way to building solid friendships, then a boyfriend will come. Things take time. But keep meeting lots and lots of people, because that they only way it will eventually happen.

Yours,
Skye

The hottie across the room

Dear Skye,

So in my class at college there's this REALLY cute guy. All his friends are straight and probably would disapprove of him being gay, but he SO IS (voice, clothes...). Our college is shit and English, so everyone except the girls are homophobic, so I tend not to tell any males about myself. They might get scared. How do you suggest I come on to this hottie in a subtle yet effective way?

Can you think of a way which includes ass-grabbing or perhaps even dropping a pencil across his lap and having to quickly dive across him to fetch it, resulting in my head being in a nice place? I want him in bed eventually, though.

Eyeing the Hottie

Dear Eyeing,

It sounds like you're a bit confused, there are a few ways to approach this lad. First don't assume that his friends would disapprove, he knows more about his own life then you do. You must also understand. Do you want a one nighter with an awkward out-come that involves avoiding eye contact for the rest of your college experience or an actual real relationship.

If you want a one nighter, get him drunk and just blow him. Yes it happens, i'm sure on lots of college campuses world-wide. Yet this comes with consequence and I don't recommend it, he might freak out, at the very least you'll probably never see him again and never make eye contact. There might even be odd rumors to contend with depending on how much of a macho man he wants to portray.

The best approach is to simply become friends. Ask his name, talk to him, walk to class with him. Better yet find out which of your friends you have in common and go from there, don't put a lot of pressure on this hottie, even beautiful people want to find love; at times because so many people are afraid to approach them, they are never approached. Also don't assume he's gay, you never know. The friend approach is the best. When the time is right, come out to him, confess you're into men, see what happens. Be honest and forthright but pick your battles.

If you're in it for a hook-up then find someone you already know is reliable in bed. Not the eye-candy across the room fraught with uncertainty.

Yours,
Skye

Ask Skye Get Advice

I’m starting a new feature on this Blog – where I’ll be answering your dating questions. When I look at the Site Stats, I get a long list of people who have found me through goggle. Common questions typed are “What is a boyfriend?” “Bi sexual lover cheating on me with guy” “Gay Date” “How to date.” Then there are words I don’t think are appropriate to type. You sick bastards, bless you.

Your dating questions will be answered; I’ll send everyone a personal email. If your question is published as a post, I promise not to mention any names. Especially yours. The advice will be timely and well thought out. Think of this as the gay version of Dear Abby.

So hit the email button on the left hand corner of the screen. I would type my email, but spam bots will find it and send me stuff encouraging, growing penis size or Viagra. Really I don’t need it, but there’s no way to convince them of that.

Have fun and don’t be afraid to Ask Skye.