Trying again

As well as working a lot, on lots and lots of projects, I’ve been dating. I've wanted to get out there again. Part of me feels like this is a very temporary moment in my life, when everything is going smoothly and good things are happening quickly. I feel like I want to make as quick use of this time as possible.

So I've been going on a lot of first dates recently. I haven't had a chance to write about then. Yet most have just made me even more puzzled - regarding men. One boy felt the need to talk about Jessica Simpson for two hours. I just pretended to listen because he was cute, another hot blond boy, said he didn't like theater. He actually confessed that he fell asleep during the last play he saw and will surly snooze during any musical. He told me this after I told him I was a playwright producing work.

Maybe it’s the spring or the weather or boredom and silent moments. I’m starting to be really tired of being single. I want to actually spend the night with someone and not have them run away. Maybe during the fall boys will be more included to settle down. Who knows. But among all these first dates I haven't found a second.

Then comes the paradox of time, when I'm stable and a good boyfriend, in other words, low drama (relatively) I don't manage to find anyone I'm interested, then when my life is in the air trying to resolve itself, I meet all the wrong guys.

So where is the happy medium I wonder.

 

Comments

[Richard]

Hello Mr. "Trying again,"
I just read your blog and I could relate to what you wrote and I am taking a leap here to respond with something that I had learned from the experience of which I am reminded while reading yours. When I said to myself that "I was tired of being single" the translation returned to me, some time later, was that I was really saying "I am tired of myself." To get right to the truth of it, I was not able to just BE with myself and be okay with being single. I wanted to fill that space with "someone" so that I could be relieved of my own misery - which, in the big picture, was self-created. Date after date, guys were not interested in a second - why, I asked myself? Because, again, I was looking for relief from my misery of being alone. Guys, at some level, knew what I was up to and they turn and run, as they should. It is my responsible to heal my own misery and not look for "someone" to do it for me. I relate to you, kindred spirit. There is within you the "YOU" that people want to be with and to feel and experience. But the "you" that shows up on the dates is the "you in pain" that is projecting "save me from myself." Now honesty, if you were on a date with a guy and you saw just such a person, what would you do? Would you want a second date with someone who draws on your energies so that he could use it to feel safe and wanted and desirable? I discovered that that task was my job, not their's. Look within yourself with the knowing, or at least the faith, that any fears you see are insubstantial compared to the real "YOU" and when faced and when stepped into they can ONLY disappear - because they have NO power. But we mistakingly believe that they do have power, so we turn and run - driving me to look for another date to see if he is the right one - that is the one to save me. No one can. Only I can save myself. Only you can save yourself. If fact, there is nothing to save, just BE yourself, see the fears (being alone, being single, etc.) and just watch them like watching clouds float across the sky. They are like weather and will disappear AS you just watch them with impartiality. Ask yourself this, "Do I really want to be in a relationship? Am I really ready and willing to give up "being single?" Your deeper emotional self is calling the shots here, overriding your conscious self and you pick guys on an unconscious level who are either unavailable or are just not interested in taking on the [impossible] role of savior. Now, it's okay to be where you are. It must be YOUR clarity, not anyone else's to see where and what it is that you are doing. That is what I mean by seeing with impartiality - be okay with it, do not judge. Doing so simply means that the same self that wants to be saved has comes out to complain, criticize, condemn, shame you, just doing whatever it [ego] can to keep you trapped. You are not trapped. See and know that that self is not really you, it is just pretending to be you and YOU are believing it. It loses it's power over you when you step back and see the bigger picture - you are not your feelings, your behaviors, but something much greater - an analogy would be that you are the ocean as well as the wave and not just the wave. The oceans remains. The wave does what waves do and then it is done. Can you see what I am attempting to communicate? If so, cool. If not, that is okay too. Ponder this and the truth of it will come to you when you least expect it - perhaps is will come when you are waking up in the morning and you catch yourself in that moment between deep sleep and being awake where you feel very quiet and peaceful and safe and suddenly you see yourself, how you are, what your are doing and YOU feel that it is okay - you can be WITH yourself AS you are, single, alone, and see that they are clouds too and not a permanent condition. They pass when you are done with them - at which point they become done with you.