New York, One Gay Date At A Time

Posh has lost it's spark

I called Tommy my favorite bartender at Posh. He's also a co-owner and has taken great care of me, one of Posh's regulars for a long time. He's been able to create a hospitible environment for me and my friends.

I met my best freind at Posh and he in turn met his boyfriend at Posh. I've made some really good connections with people that I really care about and enjoy seeing. So consequently Tommy's mysterious disappearance and a very tight lipped staff gave me concern. Rumors have been flying and I figured the only way to quell them was to have a conversation with the man (Tommy).

Besides last night when I went to the bar, me and my friends, also regulars had to wait ten minutes for our drinks.

We talked for a bit. Tommy got into the bar business through his brother John and in our conversation Tommy called Posh "his baby." He didn't see the termination happening, he was putting on cloths getting ready to go to work when he found out he’d no longer be running Posh. He was devastated. Caught completely off guard.

He's really upset, after all his own brother kicked him out of a business he built, yet in the week since he's left Posh he's been able to raise capital for his own bar, I'm assured it's going to be much better then Posh, after all he won't have a brother that tries to rule from a downtown restaurant. He doesn’t have a name for the new bar, yet architects are in place and he’s waiting to close on a Hells Kitchen location very soon.

I relate because I've worked for many restaurants that have put their own business needs before their guests. Hopitality is the first thing to go. I've been fired before because of shear stupidity and blamstorming. So now there's no one at Posh that knows my drink.

He also wants me to tell all of the regulars, that he wishes he could be back; to see all of us, yet he can’t and hopes everyone will understand.

So I hope that you join me, in not patronizing Philip Marie and once Tommy moves to his own bar, I look forward to seeing everyone there. I'll keep you up dated.

Negotiating for Sex

A few years ago when I was dating a few men. Well serial dating a few men. One of the surprising challenges was negotiating for Sex. Most of them were under a lot of stress. Yes I'm going to mesh them all together and just call them The Serial Dates. So The Serial Dates were always under stress. I on the other hand found and still find a playful nature to relive and hard worn day. They didn't. That's one of the many reasons that the relationships never worked. So again. I'd like to say that I've learned and that's one of the reasons that I've been single for so long. Anyway. I would nudge them in bed do a little pouting and convincing. Never worked. Sigh. I'm mentioning this because I don't like to date more then one man at a time. I like to take them in stride. I know I should, yet I've tried and it just doesn’t work for me. I have friends that manage to date a few guys at a time I on the other hand just feel guilty. It's back to the stress thing. I'm over dating men that just focus on themselves. Recently I meet a guy that said I was a great guy. He kissed me like I haven’t been kissed in a long time. One of those swooning kisses that one can get wrapped up in and just melt. He detected the fact that I wanted to see him again and was open to a relationship. The reason given was simple. This cute boy was to impressed in his own life, "I have to much to deal with right now." I've been given that excuse a few times. In the past I've tried to work it out. I've tried to be supportive. Now I'm over it. I mean, everyone has a lot going on in their lives. It's constantly stressful. I'm really scared that I'm risking so much in my life. It doesn’t stop me from being open to the possibility of something real. So I let the cute boy go. I didn't get his number. I gave him mine after a really great night of making out intensely on my really comfy couch. It was really nice. I'm not putting much stock in seeing him again. I'm very conscious that I can't convince anyone to have a relationship. So if he calls. I'll be happy, if not, I'm sort of over not getting my needs met. If they're ever so carnal at times.

The Sloppy Drunk

So I decided to share my two worst dates with the Blog. I'm running the second one on Wednesday. This date happened a few years ago, since then I hope I've grown, yet I will never be able to forget it.

I met him at Stonewall, which should have been my first indication. He calls me up a week later to hang out, we schedule a time and place, he calls and makes an excuse not to meet. This happens two more times. Finally I call him out, if he cancels one more time I'm deleting his number. He shows up to the date, half an hour late.

I use the words, "show up" loosely. Because I finally see him walking, well stumbling down the street, he's finding support from store windows, fire hydrants and street signs as he makes his way very slowly, sluggishly down the street, it takes him a few minutes actually. From afar, I didn't recognize him and was actually laughing really hard on the inside. I've never seen someone that clearly intoxicated at eight o'clock before; he can't hold himself up, I'm expecting him to fall. He finally approaches, dressed as a lost eighties band member, okay so I'm being generous with my description he looked more like an eighties hustler. This is when I realize it's him and I’m horrified.

I try talking to him. He's slurring so badly, I think he might have been poisoned. He looks like some strange blob from a movie; I smell liquor on his breath and understand. At this point the date is off. I want to get rid of him, yet he won't go away. "You have to go home. Sleep it off." He finally agrees to get into a cab; he's draped on me like a wounded soldier. This is when I find out one of two things. A) he never brought his wallet with him; B) he lost his wallet on the stumble over. I actually pay the cab driver ten bucks to take him the few blocks home. I never see or hear from him again.

Two years later I run into the boy, in a bar (how shocking) yet he's got a partner and is living with someone. I shrug.

Should I Stay, Or Should I go Now

Dear Skye,

I've been in a gay monogamous relationship for almost a year now with a seemingly great guy. He's attractive, funny, charming and bright, but he loves to flirt and has a wandering eye. He also seems to keep his social life separate from our relationship, which arouses suspicion in me. He says he loves me and is totally devoted to me but his behavior suggests otherwise.

We live in San Francisco, the gay capital of the world, in one of the gayest neighborhoods in the city. When we're out walking around, he doesn't hold my hand and is constantly making eye contact with other men. I've brought this to his attention before by accusing him of 'cruising' other men, only to be met with a defensive response and a HUGE fight. So I've learned not to blame him so much, but focus on my feelings instead. He knows how much it bothers me but he continues to do it anyway.

The other really annoying aspect of our relationship is that I don't know many of his gay friends, even though he has many. It seems as if he's deliberately separating our relationship from his social life, like there's a part of him he doesn't want me to know.

Now I don't know if I'm being unreasonable and paranoid but my insecurities are eating me up inside. I know I have some self-esteem issues but isn't a relationship supposed to help you get through them, not enhance them?

I am thinking of leaving him because I am feeling worse about myself and angry toward him, but I'm afraid of being lonely. What if I’m wrong? What if he is truly devoted to me, and I’m too focused on the negative? But then again, I feel like I'm not getting genuine nurturing and affirmation that come with a loving relationship...what should I do?

Thanks,
Lost

Dear Lost,

You’re not in a relationship, you’re just waiting. He’s clearly hurting you. A relationship is about unity, not about feeling insecure. When your “boyfriend” doesn’t acknowledge you, I bet that hurts. I know it’s hurt me in the past.

When you tell me that you’ve tried talking to him and you have a fight. Well dear, he’s just avoiding the topic and trying to intimidate. You should feel confident, to ask for what you need because that’s the only way you can have a successful relationship.

Yes you’re right; relationships – ideally should balance and quell your insecurities. Finding the right guy to do that, well that’s tough, that’s what my blog’s about. I really want to find true love and to understand what the definitions are in the gay community. It’s a tough balance. A lot of gay boys don’t have relationship skills; there are lots of reasons for that. Yet it’s important to learn them. When dating it’s also important to quickly get over guys that don’t listen.

You mention that he’s a great guy in a lot of ways. I’m sure he is. There must have been lots of reasons you’ve stayed together for so long. Now I get the feeling, you want your lives to become more integrated. You seem to want more then he’s willing to give. That’s fine, after dating someone for a while, you should be hanging out with their friends on a regular basis. What raises my eyebrows and raises my concern is the fact that you can’t communicate your needs. That’s vital to a working relationship and I don’t think he feels comfortable communication his needs either.

Bring this to his attention, that’s what u must do. If this leads to a fight; so be it. It’s important to stress how you feel. Yet don’t take it personally, I know it’s hard. His actions are hurting you, he needs to know it. If he’s not willing to acknowledge your feelings, don’t let him get away with it. For your own growth, I suggest, talking to him as a friend, maybe asking if he wants to take the relationship more freely, ask him for permission to date other people.

If you can’t get your needs for affection met in this relationship and you can’t work it out. I think it’s important to move on.

I strongly urge that you get past the yelling though and understand your needs, don’t let him stonewall you. Value yourself as a person, so you can make relationship choices that are good for you, as well as your partner.

Hugs
Skye

Protection

I wonder how much of the need to have a relationship; is also the need for protection. That idea can explain a lot. Not only by my previous choices in men but their choice of me; it can also ... probably explain my recent and on going change of type.

I remember a long time ago. I had a friend that would only date older men. He wasn't the prettiest guy. He was twenty five and was already balding. He consistently dated men from ages forty five to sixty. I never judged why. He seemed to genuinely like them. He fell in love a few times during our friendship. Always for someone wealthy and without looks. Someone that always had a powerful position but didn't really care for him. He even moved in with a guy that gave him a stipend. Actually gave him a weekly allowance.

I found this all to be quite odd. I couldn't understand his choices till now. The need for protection is a quintessential human need. I've always been torn with it. Choosing men that have often needed me to protect them. When they found, that I too had very real vulnerability they were turned off. I haven’t understood this until now.

So meeting both needs, the yin and yang of protection. I didn't understand how important this need is. I love strong arms wrapped around me. I also like to wrap my arms around someone while they're sleeping, feeling a strong pulse beating.  Maybe this is the subconscious need. The physical part of me that must meld and come together.

So the unity of self is so vital, the unity to find protection, to provide protection and to self sustain ourselves. Yes I know I’ve been waxing poetic, I guess it’s the season, even though it’s not that cold out I’ve been spending a lot of time indoors. God I need spring.

Saying Hi

I often get asked. How I can simply talk to so many men (I really do mean talk get your minds out of the gutter). I just ask their name. After all I like talking to people, I also don’t just say hi to all the cute boys out there. I love listening to peoples stories.

I actually learned this skill one time watching a really attractive guy mingle at a cocktail party. He finally came to me; I was young and simply cowering in a corned. Yes, once a long time ago - I too was once young. I know it’s hard to believe (the peanut gallery needs to stop laughing right now).

So this cute man just stuck his hand out and asked my name, we started a pleasant conversation that lead well, nowhere. Yet I asked him, “How is it so easy for you to just talk to guys.” I’ll never forget, he shrugs and just gave me the advice that I’m now imparting to you. “Say hi and just see what happens.”

My therapist also says that I’m not good at asking people for what I need. That’s true because in childhood I had to fight for small things that mattered to me. Small freedoms that I could never ask for; so hence. This was the first step to growing. The ability to form relationships with a smile and not put to much pressure on a first encounter. I finally broke from my long ago shyness; now when asking guys their names, I also feel like assessing their confidence. I can finally say I don’t take it personally, well not as much. A lot of people take my interest for granted, yet that’s a risk I take. I just wish more people would say hi to me.

I’m also an odd date off sorts; some people don’t know what to do with my random pool of knowledge. I can tell you about the hierarchy of angels and about how runes can be used for meditation; yet for the life of me I can’t stop calling my iPod a Palm Pilot and vice versa or actually grasp what day of the week it is. My best friend has finally given up correcting me. I do it so often. So yes. I can say hi yet as far as asking a boyfriend to hug me. Can’t do it. Don’t know how. So hence the need to grow and the growth I’m trying to achieve for myself.

Last night I met this guy that I knew I had absolutely no interest in beyond a one nighter. We hooked up and for the first time I felt really bad about just fooling around with someone just to fool around with someone. So there I said it... my I wonder what’s next.

The Ability to Forget

I've had enough bad dates and enough bad experiences to be happy for the very human ability to forget. Yet somehow I grow. I'm able to retain the emotional intelligence from past experiences.

I know who not to date. I know now, it’s best to wait then get hung up on men that'll simply brush me aside.

As the field narrows. I find myself learning and avoiding the previous pot-holes off my life. I guess they call that experience. Yet with experience I find myself just waiting. I don't want to make the same mistakes of my past, so I'm quieter (well as quiet as I can be). It's strange I'm only 26 yet I feel like I don't have to jump from boy to boy to find my bliss. I can just wait. Mind you, I don't like waiting; waiting is one of my least favorite things to do. I’m the type that won’t waiting in a line, ever. I fret and sway from side to side, cursing under my breath thinking of the many things I could be doing. Yet I feel confident. That just like the Husbands in the bar. One day a boy will stick (pun truly intended).

I can't help thinking of James Carville the famed democratic strategist. He met his wife Mary Matalin when he was forty, and she's a hard core Republican. Truly it’s about making it work and being ready for a relationship, I can only imagine that part of their marriage is that of healthy respect and good debate.

So yes. I plan on remembering only the good dates and the good people in my life because there are far too many men and people that are truly worth forgetting.

The Old Flame

The timing was off. My cell phone died.

Let me start from the beginning. A few years ago when I was being courted in earnest by a sugar daddy. Not only was he supremely wealthy, yet he loved using his money to manipulate. He decided in his odd little way – I think he harbored a secret desire to have a three some with both of us. Something I never even wanted to think about. I was having a hard enough time defraying his advances.  So the sugar daddy took us both out, that’s how we meet and become lovers, The Old Flame and I.

We only exchanged numbers that night. He had just arrived to New York, I knew it was bad timing. He held himself back, even confessing that he liked me a lot yet didn't know where he was going.

We saw each other less and less. I started dating the Fabulous Fashion Designer. Then one day he calls me to do drinks. We get drunk and start walking under an underpass. He takes me, throws me on a post and kisses me madly. It was one of the hottest moments I've ever experienced. My blood boiled. What made it more scandalous; out of the corner of my eye. I saw the Fabulous Fashion Designer walking home from a club. Sigh. He never turned his head. I noticed the back of his flowing hair. 

I told the Old Flame. “I like you a lot, yet I can't date two guys at the same time." it's just not in my make up.

We kept in touch by text message. I shortly break up with the Designer. He was being a jerk and our relationship had been on the rocks for a while. It was time.

I finally tell the Old Flame about the break up and we make plans to get together. That night my phone dies. I can't tell you how. I don't know why. Yet it was a week before I could fix it. When I finally got my phone working I received a flood of text messages without a number attached. My heart sank; he thought I'd stood him up. I just didn't know where he was. I didn't have the info or the ability to get in touch. I was sad for a week.

At that point I tried to get in touch with the Chasing Sugar Daddy to see if I could get the Old Flames number. He instead, accused me of stealing the cute boy for myself. Sigh. He wouldn't give me the number no matter how hard I tried. He hinted that he wanted to see me again, and would give me the number for a certain favor.

Since then I've considerably updated my technology. But the past can not be undone.

Two years have passed, I ran into him at Barracuda a week ago. I smiled broadly and happily. He's dating someone right now. The morning after we met I sent him a text message, just asking him if he wanted to do drinks. I don't want to break up the couple. Yet I can't help wondering what could have been and how he is. I want to see his smile again.

I call him four days after we’ve met at Barracuda, the number he gave me it’s a wrong number. I guess I sort of deserve it.   

Big Hands

I've mentioned before that my type is very much changing. I've started to notice big hands. Not big men, just men with big hands. There's something very masculine about shaking and touching a well size paw.

I've also started noticing hands for the first time in a long time. Not just big but small ones. Well worn ones, lanky fingers sinewy and strung. Everyone has different pairs of hands

A hand should match the man; they are used for many things after all. I've started to take good care of my hands. A manicure makes me feel better.

I'm starting to ponder the proportion of people’s hands.  It's a jocular gesture among friends, the comparing of hands. I did it when I was in high school and with people I’m just getting to know. The pressing of hands. It's quite endearing. So yes. I'm waxing romantic when a man's hand is bigger then mine. I don't understand why either (the being poetic about hands).

In High School I remember that rumors circled, that a man’s member – down bellow, had to do with the hand or the size of the shoe. Now I've figured out, that there is no coloration. Let's just say I've become more worldly in my understanding.

So now I wonder how is this new detail; which I’m noticing about men. How is that affecting my choice of others? 

What will he do?

So I'm becoming fond of a new game as I hang out in bars. Ladies and gentleman, drum roll please. Let's play "What will he do?”

I enjoy people watching and making up random stories about my fellow bar hoppers. I mean the standard bar night in New York, comprises of hipsters, star fuckers, glamour Nazis and sometimes if I'm really lucky, a few normal people.

On a note about boys I've hooked up with: I was hanging out in a downtown bar and he walked in, lank and cute. He's one of the few people that has mentioned to me, if I hook up with the same person twice I feel like a slut. I shrug and move on. I saw he was on a date, a first date to be exact. It was interesting watching his body and posture as he tried to interact with a guy. Well the guy didn't look his type, they were oddly mismatched. They never once made eye contact with each other. Finally they left the bar, to who knows where. I went on to ponder the other people in the room.

A guy that's very young. Is wearing a suit, drinking a beer, talking to a girl he hasn't moved from his bar stool the entire time I've been in the bar. He's also making eye contact, trying to get me to come and talk to him. I don't understand why he won't take the few passes across the bar. I just sip my cocktail playfully. Returning his gaze.

Another couple. We'll I'm close enough to eavesdrop on their conversation. One guy is trying to hook up with the other guy. Trying to convince him to come to his place. They’re both drunk and the clock hasn't hit nine. Call me old fashion; yet I don't like to be sloppy by nine. At least not in public. They make out. Yet I wonder, will they hook up, will the guy cave in and find his way into bed.

I'm also watching a serial dater fast at work. He's a very rare type of guy: the ugly cute guy with confidence. He knows he's cute and flaunts it. He also seems to pick guys, that, aren't more attractive them him and are also short. I don't know why he's into short guys, yet he is. As one guy leaves the bar, he gives himself a few minutes and then approaches the next guy. I can't help wondering how many numbers he'll pick up.

So yes, this is my newest game. "What Will He Do?"