Continued from Coming out Part I
When I first told my mom. “I’m into boys, not girls” She stared at me blankly. Then we went into Steve Madden and she bought me a pair of shoes.
Then she refused to talk about it. Stating only, that she understood, she was always worried “that I might turn out that way”.
Later during dinner a few night after I came out. “What would happen if you found a really nice girl, there are so many beautiful girls in New York.” I go on to say “It doesn’t work that way.”
The explosion ensues when she asks me not to tell any member of my family about my “preference.” Like I was making a hotel reservation. That totally sent me off the wall - ballistic. Because frankly “my preference” isn’t a preference, it’s who I am, and who I accept.
Part of my retelling of this story has to do with two factors. I’m meeting a whole lot of bi, questioning for simply confused boys and men recently. I’ve also been getting a lot of emails from you my lovely readers asking for help in the coming out process.
I think there are two steps in the coming out process. How much time happens between the two steps is everyone’s own personal journey. The first being self realization. Where the person finally acknowledges that they like the same sex, are happy with the same sex; during this step it’s vital to just accept it (Yes I know, I sound like a self help book, get over it). I’ve met too many people that hold on too heterosexuality for proprieties sake. I shrug my shoulders and think of the fear that I once had. The very real fear of being shunned and turned away by the life and friends I had. That’s why starting fresh in New York was such a vital step to my own coming out and throwing myself head long into my profession so detrimental to it, I mean, I had absolutely no clue how to date until just a few years ago. Even get to the four month mark with a man. Let alone allow the relationship to unfold.
The second step is living the life, actually having a partner and growing up. Not many get to this stage. It’s quite hard. Humans, most of us anyway are made to pair bond and are much happier in a pair bond. It takes time to understand how to rely on another person. I know from my own life, as a child I couldn’t rely on my own mother to protect me from a violent father.
Rebuilding my relationship skills, my ability to feel vulnerable in a relationship has been crucial to coming out.
So yes, now different things are important to me: a home I like coming back to, friends, building relationships away from work, cooking, working on myself so I can attract the right person for me.
In the sea of men, there are many possibilities for a relationship. Healing my past is my responsibility, making a relationship work, now that is the responsibility of two people. The first must come before the second or I will always kiss the frog and never the prince.
There's no set formula for how to handle coming out or how to build a good life. If only it were that easy!
At first, it's really scary. You wonder if people will reject you. Then you realize that the good people in your life won't care. At that point, it becomes liberating, because you can be yourself. When you find someone special, there's no problem with including him in all aspects of your life.
It's just the right way to live.
Posted by: Jess | January 21, 2006 at 05:07 PM