I came out a few months ago. Well: to my mother anyway. Coming Out to myself over these past five (almost six) years has been a truly interesting experience, one of acceptance and understanding; not only of myself but of others. So yes, I figured the final step should be telling my mother. I don’t like the silence in my family, the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy instigated by many generations of communism and personal isolation. The supposed understanding of love and pain; I’ve said to some friends that I feel like Amy Tan.
I’ve always known; I’m gay, yet putting it into words and accepting it, well that’s a completely different matter. Also for me as a writer, being able to accept it was only part of the battle, integrating it into my work and finding it as a vital part of my voice. That has truly surprised me.
This moment has truly been brought on by my work crisis, the job insecurity I’m experiencing. Looking at my very young managers and seeing myself years back. When I gave so much to an industry that cared so little for me, I’ll never forget sitting in front of Lauren Conte the HR director of the Peninsula, her ice cold stare - the sunken interview chair meant to intimidate the candidate. Or the five interviews I went through for the Mandarin Oriental, without getting the job. A job that surly requires twelve hours a day.
As time has worn on. I’ve been able to find myself, the part of me that has denied myself a relationship and love, the affection of friends. “For the right career”; to impress people with my business card. It’s funny; I was so successful when young. Now that I’m older, I’ve understood the things that matter.
My family is one that does not understand these things. The self-sacrifice for myself. Yet I have come full circle. Since the day I’ve stepped foot on the magic island of New York and allowed myself, to finally call myself, gay. To allow myself to experience affection, than finally; now, just recently, to understand that I must wait to find a true partner, to once again find the dreams that matter to me.
When I first told my mom. “I’m into boys, not girls” She stared at me blankly. Then we went into Steve Madden and she bought me two pairs of shoes.
Continued Tomorrow. Coming Out Part II
hey tiger. congrats on the coming out-- I didn't know it was so recent. nice going ;-) it's great, isn't it?
Posted by: eric | January 18, 2006 at 06:40 PM