Sleeping with the Past

In a bar, my favorite bar; I encountered the past, four years ago I slept with a one night stand. We knew each other, he still looked cool. Time had been good to him. As well as on me, since he was one of the only cute boys in the bar, and the bar was a bit empty, (yes this is me rationalizing my desire to sleep with him again) well I walked over and re-introduced myself, one thing lead to another. I went back to his place because he was close. He lived at the same address, had the same roommate. What struck me; was that his place looked exactly the same. Nothing had changed. The furniture (his desire to buy new furniture), his job, everything still the same after all these years, he cracked a few jokes about buying a new mattress because the other one had received so much wear. I went home in the morning, he was happy I spent the night. (I was drunk and tired, besides, I’m fond of cuddling). As I walked away, I realized how little most people change. He never even took the time to find out how much of a different person, I’ve become in the past four years.

A few days pass and I meet another former trick, who I start hitting on once again. He’s an actor-model-dancer so I don’t want more then a repeat experience, we talked, he causally mentions that he likes me; yet. He can’t hook up again. He states, for the record. In a naïve kind of way that only truth can be spoken in “I don’t like to hook-up with the same guy twice, it makes me feel like a slut”. A puzzled look of acceptance washes over my face. I understand; funny thing was, I was just like him, a young lad trying to understand how to be gay and form a relationship. Hooking-up makes you feel dark inside, and besides, hooking-up with the same person more then once, makes one vulnerable, actually makes one run the risk of knowing someone, and revealing person imperfections – both thoughts, so frowned upon by gay society. So I shrugged kissed him on the cheek, told him he looked hot in his cowboy hat and went back to the bar to join friends, once again happy that I’d changed so much.

I guess my true change is that I’m more quite now; those that know me might find it hard to believe. Yet I’ve found it unnecessary to constantly prove myself. In so many ways, I know that there is a future. That there will be another hot boy right around the corner, so I’m focused more on friends and more on life and more on the things that I enjoy doing, such as cooking and writing. The time I spend hooking up is slowly dwindling to a minimum. Yet somehow that hasn’t affected the amount of hot men entering my life. It’s a strange paradox. Letting go truly allows more time for life. Now as I ramble. All I want to do is meet a husband; a man, that will accept all my eccentricities and I’ll accept his. Now that’s when the real change and outlook on relationships truly happens. In the mean time, I’m happy I’m turning away from the hook-up rut so many gay men are stuck in. I included. Thank goodness for Celexa.

Comments

[Frankie]

My dear, we all want the husband, it just how we go about looking for him. But good for you, one night rarely turns into a marriage.... F x

[Jess]

Good for you. The guys I know who never broke the hook-up cycle have gotten older, less able to hook up with anyone they'd want and, ultimately, alone. They just don't know how to handle the give and take of a real relationship.

So good for you. It (sometimes) takes a long time to find Mr. Right, but you're heading in the right (no pun intended) direction.

[jesse]

change is good: because if you aren't changing and evolving, you aren't growing as a person. and that's bad!

and also, i'm glad you're back blogging! cheers!