Christmas

I have some very sad memories of Christmas; this time of the season is hard for lots of people. I would imagine, for gay people it’s even more difficult. A lot of us can’t spend time with our “families”. My own, cause’s way too much stress and friction when I’m around.

I have many painful memories of this holiday. My new Christmas Eve tradition is to have a bottle of Scotch and watch much non Christmas related TV. Maybe even go out to a bar. I like being alone. I like drinking on this holiday. This year, I think I’m adding some pie to my tradition and some nibbly things.

I don’t understand why family life is so difficult for gay men, I mean, we all have our stories, and no ones is perfect. I just think that the search for family and community is a major part of gay life, and being human. Weather we want to admit it or not. Having people in our lives enriches every moment.

I went on a date a while ago, with a man, that tried to convince me, that the only way, not to be alone, was to truly really on oneself and to realize that the individual is responsible for their own success. I was a bit floored, because, I believe in community, I’ve gotten through the hardest time of my life, only with the support of some very good friends, my new family.

I’ll be spending Christmas Day with them. People, that accept me for who I am and don’t judge. They are caddy at times, yet I understand and appreciate their honesty.

Maybe that is the spirit of the season. Not the spirit of blatant consumerism. It is the accepting of ones self, and the family we have, not the one we wish we had. Or could have. I’m trying to have the powerful moment, of not saying, “what if” anymore.