Ask Skye: The meaningfull relationships

Dear Skye,

I'm always wondering how it is that gay men meet each other. I mean, I know that it's easy to come in contact with gay guys but how do you MEET them? When I go to the bars or clubs I talk to someone or I'll be scoped out and cruised by some but I want something more meaningful. Okay. It's not that I'm looking to get married or anything. It's just, well I don't really have many gay friends. I realize this all the time. I have a lot of gay "acquaintances". which is quite different. I have a lot of gay people in my life to go to the bars with or gossip on-line with, but when it comes down to wanting to talk about personal things or maybe just spending a quite Sunday afternoon strolling though Central Park - they're not there.

This also translates to the dating scene. It's like, everyone is "looking" for something. You're either going to be tonight's lay or tomorrow's LTR. It's not that I want neither, but I'm looking to MEET people. I just wanna get out there and see what this big gay world has to offer (okay, that was a bit too cliche, huh?) with no expectations of sex or LTR's or any other type of superficiality. How do you navigate towards this? Should I stop going to bars? Should I stop chatting on-line? Or am I just expecting too much?

Yours Truly,
Desperately Seeking Non-Confusion

Dear Desperately,

How do I develop meaningful relationships? That's what you're asking. That takes time, there's really no easy way. There are lots of ways to meet people and yes everyone has their agenda, some want a trick, others a boyfriend. All of us are looking for something specific, in this city of many choices. Earlier this week I described deal breakers and such inane things as, "not dating a person because they drink from a straw." Please. Its simple people are screwed up and you can't take it personally. I've found that the hottest men and i mean hot enough that you get burned simply when you touch them, truly do burn, because they are often the most insecure.

Even those gay boys that seem insanely popular, well they don't even have that many real Friends. A real Friend takes a long time to develop, years actually. It takes lots of work and time and forgiveness, because we are all human, simply put, the TV is lying to you. The perfect people culture doesn't exist. I know it's not a good thing to say. But you are alone. Meeting people is great, just don't put so much pressure on yourself, have fun, take it easy. yet be open, also if someone asks for help, be the first to give it. Forgiveness goes a long way to building solid friendships, then a boyfriend will come. Things take time. But keep meeting lots and lots of people, because that they only way it will eventually happen.

Yours,
Skye

Comments

[ashokan420]

I disagree that everyone is looking for something specific. I believe, however, that is at the heart of the issue. You say everyone is looking for something specific and so is DSNC - his name even states as much. That, in my humble opinion, is the root cause. Most are looking for something specific and chances are exceedingly slim they will find it because either their expectations or the other person's will not be met. If one does not have such expectations (i.e., hook up only, LTR, F-Buddy) then one cannot be disappointed or even that what they want has developed right in front of their eyes while taking that stroll through the park.
You will only find what you're looking for when you stop searching for it.

[Derrick]

when i came out of the closet i was 18 and i thought all i wanted was an older man. call it what you want. the "i never had a father" syndrome or the "i need a guide to get me through this whole new gay thing" deal, i dunno. but when i discovered the gay online community i was always disappointed because i could never get a decent older man to talk to me. i mean, i wouldn't have talked to me either. i was 18 and just out of the closet (not to mention a recovering church boy who'd just moved to the big city from the country boondocks!). now, don't get me wrong though. i met more than my share of "older" gay men. however, me going to a bar and seeing an older gay man and walking up to him to say hi and he responds with something like "i've got money", wasn't exactly my deal. so, naturally i thought it was me. something must've been wrong with me. because i saw all these older, professional, mature normal gay men in mags like Advocate or Out or Genre and yet i was relegated to being a veritable troll magnet. so i reluctantly stopped looking for them. and ironically that's when they came! and in the oddest places! a friendly question at a clothesrack in a boutique suddenly turns into "so, would you want to have dinner with me sometime?". i guess the point is that everything is always "out there", it just depends on whether you wanna see it or to stop concentrating on the other long enough to see it. however, i do remember still how hard it was at first thinking every Tom, Dick & Harry only wanted to get off but it's important not to blame yourself for that. guys are just horny. sometimes, that's a blessing. :-)

[tribecatexan]

I'm a gay homo -- that is to say I'm happy with my homodome, and the single life that I lead, and that was when I started meeting gay men that became aquaintances without the sex.

I've lived in New York for two years. In that time, I must have met over 100 gay men in casual non-sexual settings, had conversations with them, and kept a up with a few. Over that time, I've made 2 good friends, and about a handful that I see every now and then but still have very deep conversations with when we see one another -- we're simply to busy with life to see each other often you see.

But gay or straight, good friends are hard to find. I look at my straight friends. In 20-something years, 3 states, 8 cities, I have managed to only keep about 6 really close friends with whom I talk often. There's another 20 or so out there that I talk to on occassion. But that's about it. But that selection came from a population 9 times that of the gay community. It all comes down to a personality click that never gets sexual. And men by nature are very sexual.

The odds of one gay man becoming really good friends with another gay man without sex every entering the picture is about as good as winning the lottery -- maybe even worse. The odds of having sex with someone and being able to have a friendship once the sex ends is just as bad. And finding someone with whom you are sexually compatible and maintaining a profound friendship (as in a boyfriend), well those odds are worse than seeing blue states dominate in the next election.

The game is rigged. But if you don't play, you can't win. I'm placing my bets one person at a time and spinning the wheel. There are no expectations. I may win a friend. I may find a fuck buddy. I may land the jackpot and win the house. What are the odds, again?