A few nights ago I hooked up with a straight guy. He was cute, yes. But mostly, I hung out with him, because of pure fascination, trying to discover his perception of the world.
Coincidently: I’ve also hooked up with men just to see what their apartments were like. I mean, how else am I going to see the innards of the multimillion dollar ghetto – called Chelsea.
Back to the straight guy, who proudly stated that he was thirty-seven. (Yet he looked 28 and thought like a 17 year old) in his 37 years, he’d acquired two bachelor’s degrees and one master, (all having long names that I can’t remember) He’s married and has a kid on the way. Yet he’s buying me cocktails, in a gay bar, surrounded by gay men; trying to convince a gay man (me) that he’s straight. The guy’s also telling me about this girl “he’s into” and wants to meet downtown.
Now I’m a passionate non-judgmental listener. I told him right off the bat that I didn’t really agree with his choices, yet they were his to make, he kept on talking, so I just shut up and listened, and tagged on for the ride.
He inevitably invites me to an East Village dive bar; his intention is to meet the Girl. He blatantly states “I’m probably going to hook up with this hot chick, yet if you hang around and she isn’t into it – I’ll go home with you, but I’m probably going to hook up with the girl, I’m really into her, and she’s into it”. I say it’s cool, “No Worries” in the best chill tone I can muster. We get to the bar it has good cheap Scotch and a sexy Japanese bartender in leather knee high boots she loves to over-pouring vodka. So I find myself instantly at home. As we enter the girl he’s “into” is dancing cheek to cheek with this really yummy red headed English dude; that would melt anyone’s heart. “Supposedly Straight Guy” has no chance.
Besides, she looks and talks like Penelope Cruz. I start talking to her, cocaine shining in her eyes, she’s got an infantile quality an upturn smile so alluring and beautiful, the portrait of someone hell bent on self destruction while planning on enjoying every step of the way. Naturally every man in the room is magnetically drawn to her. I watch out of the corner of my eye as “Supposedly Straight Guy” is trying to flirt with this girl, who only wants to have him buy her a drink or some favors. Everyone in the bar seems to have some ulterior motive for being in this place; I can’t quite figure it out. It’s three am and everyone’s going strong. Thankfully I’ve had a lot of sleep so I can keep up with the drinking and the talking. Some guy is actually engaging me in a very interesting political debate. Another guy is passed out at the bar. “Supposedly Straight Guy” is trying to be witty and flirt with the girl. I’m a bit sad for him and wonder what the rest of the night will hold. One by one the patrons stumble out. I finally figure out that everyone’s been dealing in the back of the bar, and everyone but me; is on something. The girl leaves and he sulks briefly to the bar, “Well I guess I’m going home with you.” I’m the consolation prize. Curiosity truly has set in at this point. I can’t stop wondering how a man can be so lost to himself. When we first arrived at the bar, he called everyone in the place his friend.
We get to my place, I pour out some Scotch, he downs the drink immediately, and heads down on me with fervor. I enjoy his exuberance. Now this is the true test of straightness as far as I’m concerned and he fails magnificently. By this time it’s five am and he wants to spend the night, he’s fun to cuddle with. In the morning when he’s ready to leave, he downs another shot of scotch. My eyebrow lifts as he states? “You understand now what I mean, by the fact that I’m ninety percent straight and only like to sleep with men.” My reply is simple. “Dude, you just blew me, a few times, we’re so not having this conversation.” He smiles and leaves to go back to queens, his wife and soon to be child. I go back to bed wondering how best to Blog about my experience.
Dude, I can't believe you hooked up with a 37-year old -- I mean -- straight man.
Posted by: gothamwhore | January 03, 2006 at 05:17 PM
Sad but hardly unique. At least he (eventually) took care of you!
Posted by: Jess | January 03, 2006 at 08:02 PM